There is an effort being started up by my friend and colleague (I feel like I should use the word esteemed in there, somewhere, except that Tornado is just not the type of person you'd use that word about without laughing. In a good way. But I digress).
(I digress a lot. I also go on tangents, start several points at once and then arc off each, and sometimes for fun I will start a sentence mid-thought. Stick with me and I will guarantee to amuse you, if I don't lose or confuse you. )
(I can also rhyme.)
Anyway...Tornado is starting a fitness challenge on an online community board we both frequent, and is aptly calling it "Sick of Being Fat" (which I understand is the name of an actual fitness driven site he's getting his insipiration from.) G-d knows I am sick of being fat, and so this seems like a good bandwagon for me to jump on. Ironically, now that I am overweight (or babyweight as I call it--since I want everyone to know that I wasn't really the one to put myself in this position), no one really wants to listen to my "I'm fat!" wails. Years of continuously bashing myself and insisting I was ungainly when, in reality, I was quite nice to look at (oh, the pictures of those days gone by make me want to weep, I looked so good), have made me into the girl who cried wolf too many times and my family into the villagers who'd rather go on to the next thing, than listen to my blatherings.
The thing is, I already had the best of intentions to lose this babyweight(TM) and I'm nowhere, and I am not sure this will help me any more than anything else I've done so far. I have invested in workout DVDs and systems to get my daily movin' and groovin' in at home (thereby solving the 'I have no time to go anywhere but home and work oh woe is me' problem). I set goals (realistic ones, no less) and timelines and incentives for achieving those goals. I came up with a template for charting my food and have even done a half-assed job of filling it up. However, though I know I can't expect miracles overnight (it took 9 months to gain this weight, blah, blah), and I don't, I'm already dismayed at my lack of success and I'm pretty sure adding one more 'guide' to the diet trail is just another way of distracting myself from the fact that I am not losing any weight because I am just not effectively doing the two things I know I need to do in order to lose something, anything: eat less (okay, okay, and healthy, though I really don't eat much junk), and exercise more. The reason I am failing on both accounts is because I am so.fucking.tired.all.the.time.
(I always thought people who used the word.period.word sentence structure in their journals and blogs were truly pretentious. Now I realize it really does help with venting a particular frustrating line, and probably saves the keyboard from getting pounded the hell out by spacing those pausing periods in between).
I don't know what to do about the current state of affairs. I just don't have time in the morning or at night to fix myself a good, but small lunch, and snacks for the day. Even if I do bring some snacks, I still find myself wanting something substantial for lunch and end up going out with the guys and then eat more than I planned to (even if it is just sushi and tofu and brown rice). As for exercise, when my body isn't craving sleep or wanting me to just sit still in a stupor, it gets tired of waiting around for me to find just the right 40-60 minutes that I can exercise without feeling I have abandoned Houdini and worrying how he's spending even more waking hours without me. The only times that seem feasible (i.e. no baby interruptions) and relatively guilt-free are 9PM-midnight or some time between 4AM and 6AM. In the former's case I am lucky if I am upright still (and when I am, I am picking up/putting away/making formula/filling bottles in an endless cycle) and in the latter's case I am lucky if I make it down the stairs to the living room without breaking my neck, let alone being alert enough to move around.
Wait, what was this about? Oh, yeah, sick of being fat. I am, I am, but I guess not quite enough yet to, you know, give up some essential to my sanity leisure (hah!) time.
