We had the six week, follow-up weight check today.
It shouldn't take a genius to realize from the subject that it didn't go well.
I'm just...devastated right now. All the coaxing and manipualting and pushing and begging, along with all those tears (oh, god, so many, many tears) and nothing. No improvement, Nothing.
~
More frustrations trying to make appointments with 'must see' doctors and clinics, who will tell us they have waiting list a mile long and they can see us maybe in February 2006
(my son may not make it to Feb 2006, you assholes)
More guesses thrown at us, playing even more havoc with our emotions
(could be anatomical abnormality...could be skewed metabolism...could be neuroligcal inability...oh, we'll be nice and throw you a specific: could be cystic fibrosis)
More crying and stressful days and tense nights
(not even being able to tell one day from the next)
More cheerful assvice from family and friends who think this is 'nothing', or 'just a temporary thing' and tell us things from 'get over it' to 'stop being so fixated on the baby' to 'it will fix itself if you ignore it' to 'try differnt things, you're probably not giving him variety'
(you think if we overlook an assessment like 'failure to thrive, he will magically get better, you dimwits? you think this is our idea of fun, calorie counting all the time, you idiots? you think I wouldn't throw all 31 flavours and then some at him, if he would actually agree to eat? you think I can just blithely ignore how he refuses to open his mouth to eat and/or refuses to swallow and/or refuses to even taste, you morons? )
More forcefulness during feeding time or blood tests or examinations, to get him through them
(how do you make a 7 months old baby understand you are doing it for his own good and not because he has sadistic parents)
And more anger, so much anger, as to why him, why us, why this?
(I hate everyone who has a healthy baby for not even having a clue what this is like. I hate everyone who has an unhealthy baby for having us in their ranks. Mos of all I hate everyone who doesn't have a baby, period, because, deliberate choice on their part or not, they can still anticipate good things for when and if they do have a baby. I hate them for having the luxury of that anticipation)
~
I used to say I am an agnotsic with strong aethist tendencies. Nowadays I say I am someone who actually believes there is a god and he is one sick, humourless motherfucker.
